On this page you will find:

1. A scenario
2. Some definitions
3. Some myths about gay persons
4. Some miscellaneous pieces of information

If you are straight (heterosexual), imagine waking one morning to a world in which your family is not like you and relationships are not like yours.  The public image of romance, sexual attraction, and love is not like yours. You have been raised believing that people like you are revolting, immoral, sick and even evil even though you know you did not choose your sexual orientation. 

Imagine that what you see in the media is not reflective of your life. Picture yourself in a world in which you are subject to verbal and even physical abuse because of how you were born, and imagine that you are denied the same rights and treatment enjoyed by your peers. Imagine that you could be kicked out of your house, lose your job, your house, or even your life because of who you are.

Worst of all, see yourself loving someone dearly yet having to hide that love from the world or  face rejection or even violence from family, friends, church, and state.  If you are straight, think, for example, how you never consider whether or not to show someone a picture of the person you love.  Then imagine having to think several weeks before you could even question trusted persons whether or not you might lose your job if you put a picture of the one you love on your desk at work. 

Imagine having to pretend to be what you are not, and feeling as though you must lie to the world daily. Consider the extreme courage it takes for a GLB person to be open about his or her sexual orientation and then realize that coming-out is not a one-time event but something that GLB persons must consider almost daily.

This is the world gay, lesbian and bisexual persons find themselves in each day. These are the thoughts GLBT persons consider every time they tell the truth about themselves. Would you choose this life if you didn’t have to do so? 

Gays and lesbians do not choose to be gay or lesbian.  Gays and lesbians must overcome tremendous obstacles as they live their life and seek basic rights such as life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. 

Why are so many gay persons “coming out?”  For many it is because they are tired of this kind of life and they are fighting for equality. They have had enough of the oppression, violence, lack of equality, lying, and forced secrecy and shame. They refuse to live the life of a victim. They have had enough of being second class citizens and know they deserve the same rights and responsibilities held by those persons who are not gay or lesbian.

If you think gays, lesbians and bisexuals choose their sexual orientation, ask yourself when you chose yours.  If you are heterosexual did you wake one morning and decide that you were going to fall in love with someone of the opposite sex?  Did you decide that you would be attracted to the opposite sex?  Did someone recruit you as a heterosexual?  Gays, lesbians and bisexuals do not choose their orientation any more than do heterosexuals. Studies consistently demonstrate that the problems gays face are caused by the attitudes and behaviors of society at large, not by sexual orientation

Some Definitions:

CLOSETED: Not disclosing one's sexual orientation. A person could be in the closet with him/herself or could be in the closet with other people all the time or only in certain situations. An openly gay, or out, person is one who is comfortable with his/her sexuality and does does not hide from other people that he/she is gay or lesbian. There is nothing shameful about being in the closet and no one should ever come out until ready to do so.

STRAIGHT: Heterosexual

COMING OUT: The process, often lifelong, in which a person acknowledges, accepts, and appreciates his/her sexual orientation as being gay or bisexual. This may eventually involve sharing of this information with other persons. Coming out takes tremendous courage and should not be attempted without support.

HOMOPHOBIA: The fear and hatred of those who love and desire persons of the same sex. It includes prejudice, discrimination, harassment, and acts of violence.

HETEROSEXISM: The system of advantages bestowed upon heterosexual persons. It assumes that all persons are, or should be, heterosexual and therefore excludes the needs, concerns and life experiences of persons who are gay.

FAMILY of CHOICE: Since their biological family rejects many gay persons, many will create a support network that serves the role of family.

ALLY: A heterosexual person who supports and honors diversity of sexual orientation and who acts to interrupt and challenge homophobia and heterosexism

BIOLOGICAL SEX: Determined by chromosomes, hormones, etc. (Male/female)

GENDER IDENTITY: A person's innermost feeling of being male or female. Most, but not all, people have a gender identity that matches their biological sex. Gender identity is probably determined between the age of 18 months and three years, if not even earlier. This identity has nothing to do with being gay or straight. In fact, most gay men feel like they are men and most lesbians feel like they are women.

GENDER ROLE: The socially defined roles and behaviors assigned to males and females. This can vary over time and place. Masculine/Feminine.

SEXUAL ORIENTATION: Determined by whom we are attracted to and fall in love with. It is probably influenced by genetics, hormones, brain differences, and environmental factors and is almost certainly set by birth or within the first 3-5 years of life. Sexual orientation almost certainly cannot be changed. A person might, however, learn to behave in ways inconsistent with his/her orientation though most psychologists find this very unhealthy. A person can only choose to be true or false to whom he/she is. The APA (American Psychological Association) defines sexual orientation as “an enduring emotional, romantic, sexual or affectional attraction to another person.  It is easily distinguished from other components of sexuality including biological sex, gender identity (the psychological sense of being male or female) and the social gender role (adherence to cultural norms for feminine and masculine behavior)...Sexual orientation is different from sexual behavior because it refers to feelings and self-concept. Persons may or may not express their sexual orientation in their behaviors.” The APA goes on to state “There are numerous theories about the origins of a person’s sexual orientation; most scientists today agree that sexual orientation is most likely the result of a complex interaction of environmental, cognitive and biological factors.  In most people, sexual orientation is shaped at an early age. There is also considerable recent evidence to suggest that biology, including genetic or inborn hormonal factors, play a significant role in a person's sexuality.” The APA also report that “although we can choose whether to act on our feelings, psychologists do not consider sexual orientation to be a conscious choice that can be voluntarily changed.” It also states that “the reality is that homosexuality is not an illness. It does not require treatment and is not changeable.”

Some Myths:

"I don't know any persons who are gay." FACT: You may not know any persons who are out to you as being gay. In a classroom of 30 persons, for instance, there are probably 2-3 persons who are gay. Estimates are that 1 person out of 10 is gay.  Using one widely accepted estimate, there may be over 20 million gay or lesbian persons in the United States alone.

"Being gay is a form of illness." FACT: The American Psychological Association says, "It is no more abnormal or sick to be gay than to be left-handed. There is, in fact, a growing body of evidence to indicate that sexual orientation is determined before birth by some combination of genetic and biological events. Since it is not an illness, it needs, nor has, no cure.

"Gay persons are child molesters and recruit children to their lifestyle." FACT: By far, the majority of child molesters are heterosexual men. The National Center on Child Abuse and Neglect in the Department of Health, Education and Welfare, found that over 90% of all child abuse is committed by straight men on minor females.  Furthermore, one does not choose to be gay just as one does not choose to be straight. One only decides whether to act on his/her orientation.

"Men who are gay and women who are lesbians want to be the opposite sex or have simply not found the right person." FACT: Almost all of the males enjoy being men and almost all of the women enjoy being women. They simply are attracted to, and fall in love with, persons of their same sex.

"Persons who are gay cannot maintain long-term relationships." FACT: Just like heterosexual people, persons who are gay form a variety of relationships that last a short time or many years. Heterosexuals even have a divorce rate of 50% while nobody knows about the length of relationships of gay persons since they are not allowed to marry.

"People who are gay could change if they wanted to do so." FACT: Almost all studies show that no one, gay or straight, can change their sexual orientation. Our orientation is almost certainly determined sometime between conception and the first years of life. Gay and straight people might be able to change their behavior but not their underlying orientation. We do not, however, choose our sexual orientation. Dr. George Weinberg writes in Society and the Healthy Homosexual, “From what I have seen, the harm to the homosexual man or woman done by the person’s trying to convert is mutifold...First of all, the venture is almost certain to fail...In trying to convert, you will deepen your belief that you are one of nature’s misfortunes.”

"Persons who are gay do not understand how to make a good family." FACT: One in every four families has a gay or lesbian person within that family several studies suggest. Studies also show that there is no difference between gay and straight persons in their quality or ability to care, love or raise children.

"Persons who are gay are protected and granted equal rights." FACT: Only a few states and a few cities and organizations include gay persons in their policies of nondiscrimination. Gay persons are not allowed to get married, are not given the same financial rights as straight couples, do not have to be allowed in to see their partner who is ill in a hospital and so forth

“You can identify someone as being gay or lesbian by their mannerisms or physical characteristics.” FACT:  Gay people are as diverse as are straight persons. Only a small percentage of gay persons fit the stereotypes.

“In a gay relationship, one person plays the husband (butch) and the other plays the wife (femme) role.” FACT: Since laws, churches and society have typically condemned, or at least ignored, the relationships of gay persons, most gay persons do not feel an obligation to follow “the rules” of what a relationship is to look like.  Most gays and lesbians, therefore, create very different relationships based on equality and who each person is, rather than upon societal roles. In fact, since most gay and lesbian persons run their relationships without a model, the look of each relationship varies greatly from that of other relationships.

“Gay and lesbian persons are promiscuous.” FACT: Some are and some aren’t, just as the same can be said for straight persons.

“Being gay or lesbian is something new.” FACT: Homosexuality appears across time and place, and even across animal species. In a 1951 study by Ford and Beach, they found even then that many cultures consider homosexuality a normal variation of sexual behavior.

Miscellaneous:

• Though scientists do not know for certain, much of the research suggests that people may be born with their sexual orientation or that orientation is set by a very young age.  People do not have a choice as to whether they are gay or straight or bisexual. The only real choice appears to be in whether or not we live out who we are, or pretend to be what we are not.
• Most responsible research suggests that people cannot change their sexual orientation, but that some people can change their behaviors--at a price.
• Most people do not one day wake up to say, “I’m gay.”  Sexual orientation is something we discover about ourselves over time.  If you aren’t sure if you are gay, lesbian, bisexual or straight, don’t worry.  It takes time to sort out our feelings and all the information we have about who we are.  One day you will know which gender you are attracted to:  the same (gay or lesbian), both (bisexual), or the opposite (straight).
• If you think you might be gay or lesbian you may find it helpful to learn more about sexual orientation. You may also find it useful to talk with someone you trust who is also knowledgeable. Most of all, though, you will need to pay attention to what your body, mind and heart are telling you over time. You probably do not have to have sex to know if you are gay or straight. Sexual orientation is one part of who we are rather than how we behave.
• Gay men do not want to be women. they like being male.  Lesbians do not want to be men. they like being female.  Sexual orientation has nothing to do with gender identification.  Persons who are gay are emotionally and physically attracted to members of the same gender.  They are not attracted to all members of that gender just as straight people are not attracted to all members of the opposite sex.
• You cannot tell who is gay or straight by looking at a person. There are plenty of effeminate gay men and straight men. There are plenty of masculine gay and straight men.  The same is true of lesbians. You cannot know for sure if a person is gay or lesbian unless that person tells you truthfully.