Coming Out

On this page you will find:

1. Preparing to come out
2. Models on the stages of coming out
3. How people may respond when you come out to them
4. Why people come out
5. Common pitfalls people may experience as they come out

If you are a teen and are like most teenage persons, you are probably filled with questions, strong emotions, and lots of new and powerful desires. If, in your deepest being, you know you have more than a passing curiosity and attraction to persons of the same gender, you may be gay. If you find yourself frequently thinking about, fantasizing about, and desiring someone of the same gender rather than someone of the opposite sex, then you may be gay, lesbian or bisexual.

You don’t have to label yourself today. A simple curiosity or experimentation does not mean you are gay. Most openly gay persons report that, when they look back, they knew they were attracted to persons of the same gender at a very early age and had almost always felt “different” from other people. This feeling of difference is hard to explain to people, but if you feel it, you understand. Most openly gay persons also report that they seldom felt an attraction to persons of the opposite sex.

Take your time to know who you are and you will soon come to know your own sexual orientation. You are not alone in questioning your sexual orientation. If you feel down deep that you might be gay or lesbian, then it is important to confront these feelings and thoughts.

If you are gay or lesbian, coming out is usually very frightening. Yet, no matter how confused or frightened you might be, you need to know that you are not alone. You also need to know that you will feel better as you find someone who can understand your situation, listen to and support you. Get good and accurate information about what it means to be a gay person. Call a hot line. Talk to a trusted teacher or counselor. Call a gay community center. There are people who will listen and who can support you as you come to understand yourself better. Most important of all, move forward at your own pace.

You may also be afraid that being gay means fitting one of the stereotypes of gay persons. There is, however, as much diversity in the gay community as there is in the straight community. Some gay persons are flamboyant, others are not. Some go to bars, others do not. Some are sexually active, others are not. There are millions of successful and happy gay persons in the world. You can be one of those millions if you are gay or lesbian.

No matter what age, socioeconomic status, occupation, gender, education or anything else, most gay people feel a tremendous fear when it comes to telling someone else that they are gay. In fact, most gay, lesbian and bisexual persons say that coming out to those with whom they are close may be the hardest thing they ever do in life. It doesn’t even get easier over time since there is always a risk of rejection, or even worse. Yet, most persons who come out carefully also say that it is a freeing, powerful moment of relief and release that leads to more authentic relationships and better self-esteem

In fact, coming out may well be the single most powerful form of self-actualization you can take. As Robert Penn states in his book, The Gay Men’s Wellness Guide, “It is a statement of self-awareness, self-acceptance, self-love, and a request for love at the same time. Coming out marks your desire to share your innermost feelings with those whom you love, and it demands that you be accepted as you are. Staying out is a request for unconditional love made from a place of self-love without condition.” (65) He goes on to say, “with coming out, secrets disperse into thin air and life in ernest begins.” (66)

Be aware, though, being out creates new pressures for many persons. You will not always be accepted or even tolerated as a gay person. Some people may be repulsed. Others may want you to be the spokesperson for all GLB persons. Others may even try to hurt you.

Though we so often hear “coming out horror stories,” it is very important to know that many gay and lesbian people come out very successfully and without “drama.” In my own experience, I took my own coming out harder than did anyone important to me. Most successful coming out experiences, however, require thought and preparation. Following are some tips for telling someone you are gay:

Be clear of your own feelings and attitudes about being gay since you will convey these to the person you are telling. Are you sure that you are gay? Are you comfortable enough with yourself that you can talk about this part of your identity and answer questions?
Many people wait to tell the most important people in their life until they have confided in a few other trusted, yet safe, persons.
Pick a time when the other person is most likely to be receptive to a serious talk, a place where the two of you will not be disturbed and distracted, and know why you are telling the person you are gay at this time
Don’t come out in an argument but come out only when you are ready to do so
Decide how best to come out and prepare the person by saying that you want to have a serious conversation about something important to the both of you
Know that it may take the person time to grasp what you are saying
Know that the person may go through several stages of response (see below)
Be able to explain why you are coming out
Start with someone you trust will react favorably
Keep the lines of communication open
Make it clear that you are not a different person but that you have decided to share something about yourself that is important to you and to the relationship.
Be prepared to be the one who has to bring up being gay after you have initially disclosed it. Some persons need longer to adjust and others act like you never told them. Over time, begin to normalize topics related to you as a gay person.
Be prepared to give the person time to adjust. How he/she feels today can change. It took you time to adjust to the fact that you are gay or lesbian, so you can expect it to take the other person time, too.
Remember, if you tell someone that you are gay, you run the risk of that person telling someone else, even if you ask he/she not to do so. If you want to talk with someone yet keep your sexual orientation secret from other people, be sure to pick your confidants carefully.
Some people start by telling someone in a chat room, in a gay support group or someone else who is gay or lesbian.
Many persons find it helpful to first do some reading about what it means to be gay or to talk with other gay persons. This helps to build confidence and will help when it comes to answering questions people will ask.
Most people find it helpful to have a support system before they begin to be more open with other people.

The support system could include one or more persons.
You might include a trusted teacher, counselor, minister, friend, parent, or other gay persons.
These people should be ones you trust and who will care about you.
These are people you know you can talk with honestly and who can help you out.
Many people include someone who is gay since that person can understand what a straight person cannot comprehend. In fact, over time you will find that gay friends can share with you a non-sexual friendship that few straight people can achieve. Oppression has a way of binding people together.
Many people tell their support system they are preparing to come out to someone important.

It is also good to think about how you will react if the person you are telling does not handle the information as you hope. You cannot, however, completely predict how the person will act or feel. What is the worst that could happen? Are you prepared to deal with it if it does happen? What is the best that could happen?
You should also be prepared to answers “hundreds” of questions. Remember, what they ask is probably based on all the stereotypes you also learned. Most straight persons do not understand what it is to be gay and they have little knowledge or information to help them understand. You will need to be the “expert” in many cases.

Berzon suggests a worksheet to help you think about what you want to say:

I’m gay/lesbian. I have been for _____
The way I feel about being gay/lesbian is:
The way I want you to feel about it is:
The way I want you to feel about me is:
Before closing, I want to say to you:

When you come out to someone, expect the person to have lots of questions. Because issues of sexual orientation are often not discussed, many people do not know very much about what it is to be gay or lesbian. Betty Berzon, a therapist, has identified several questions you should be prepared to answer:

How do you know you are gay?
Are you sure you are gay?
Why do you want to be gay?
How long have you been gay?
When did you first know you were gay?
Have you tried to change?
Have you tried being involved with someone of the opposite sex?
Does this mean you hate or are afraid of men/women?
Did I/someone do something that made you gay?
Who made you gay?
Do you have AIDS?
Are you happy?
Don’t you want children?
Do you think you’ll always be gay? Couldn’t this just be a phase?
Have you told anyone else?
Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?
Who else do you plan to tell? Why do you have to tell them?
What does being gay mean in this society?
What causes someone to be gay?
Can gay people be cured?
Why didn’t you tell me earlier?
Why are you telling me now?
Are you attracted to me?

Coming out does not necessarily get easier since you always have much to lose by telling someone that you are gay, bisexual or lesbian. You do, however, get more practiced and confident. Furthermore, who you are telling makes a difference in how you say the words.

On the links page you will find several web addresses that may help as you come out. I especially recommend the resources at HRC (Human Rights Campaign).

Coming out to your parents and other family members may be the scariest and hardest things you’ll do since you have the most to lose with these people. So, before you decide to come out to the family, be sure to carefully consider all the angles. Will you run the risk of being thrown out of the house, disowned, sent to therapy, or even beaten? My recommendation is that you not come out to them until you have created a good support network. Not to frighten you, but it is not unusual for parents to reject children who are gay or lesbian. Given time and help, however, most parents come to accept their gay children. Take it slowly and be there to help them cope with this new information about you. After all, think how long it took you to know and accept yourself!

Most teens who have come out to their family report that there is tension. Fortunately, those who carefully prepared to come out and who acted skillfully to help their family accept them for who they are, also report that the relationship with family improved over time and, in many cases, became the best it had ever been. Few parents want their child to be gay or lesbian. Your parents do not understand what it is to be gay. They probably only know the stereotypes. They may fear for your safety and your future. They may grieve and think that your life will never be good or happy. They may feel like they never knew you or had done something to make you gay. After all, no one is raised to be gay. You will need to help your parents come to understand what it means to be gay and what it means to have a gay child. I highly recommend having information about a local P-FLAG chapter with you as you come out to the family.

Models of Coming Out:

COMING OUT: The process, often lifelong, in which a person acknowledges, accepts, and appreciates his/her sexual orientation as being gay or bisexual. This may eventually involve sharing of this information with other persons. One model (there are other models, too) of the coming out process is as follows: (adapted from Richard Troiden)

· SENSITIZATION: The person, often at a very early age, experiences feelings of being different from same-sex peers.
· IDENTITY CONFUSION: The person feels in turmoil and feels uncertain about his/her sexual identity. Often occurs in adolescence though, as with all the stages, it could occur earlier or later. Begins to think he/she is probably gay. This stage can last anywhere from a month to the rest of the person's life. May develop problems of guilt, secrecy, self-hatred, and isolation because of homophobia that is being internalized.
· IDENTITY ASSUMPTION: This may occur in adolescence or later. The person begins to define and understand him/herself to be gay and begins to accept this, especially as he/she begins to find and interact with other gay persons. The person begins to find ways to cope with being an "other" in society.
· COMMITMENT: The person begins to feel comfortable with who/she is and begins to act on who he/she is by entering into relationships with persons of the same sex, disclosing identity to other persons, and living a more complete and honest life despite the pressures of society. The person is probably willing to acknowledge his/her sexual identity to persons who ask and who offer some safety. Some become involved in educating other people about the issues so as to help eliminate homophobia.

Another model proposed by Eli Coleman:

PRE-COMING OUT: The person is not conscious of his/her same sex feelings even though he/she may feel different from other people.
COMING OUT: the person is aware of same-sex feelings and may start to tell other people or at least seek contact with persons who might understand.
EXPLORATION: The person begins to interact with more gay people and begins to explore his/her new sexual identity. The person usually begins to develop a better self-image and better social skills.
FIRST RELATIONSHIP: After some experimentation, the person may want a more stable relationship that is physical and emotional. First relationships often do not last long since the person has not yet fully dealt with coming out issues and tasks.
INTEGRATION: The person’s private and public life begin to merge and the person leads a fuller, more integrated life that is not so compartmentalized.

Another model proposed by Arthur Lipkin:

Stage 1: PRE-SEXUALITY: The preadolescent experiences non sexual feelings of being different and “on the margin” of society.
Stage 2: IDENTITY QUESTIONING: The individual experiences ambiguous, repressed, sexualized same-gender feelings. Being aware of the stigma of being gay or lesbian, the individual will not admit to him/herself that he/she might be, or is, gay. The individual may experience tremendous stress, depression and suicidal feelings. This is a time when the person may take on extreme self-hatred, shame and guilt. He/she tries to avoid behaviors and information that might confirm a gay identity. The individual will, at times, ask “could I be gay?” He/she feels alienated and isolated.
Stage 3: COMING OUT: In this stage, the individual tolerates then accepts a gay identity through contact with other gay persons and gay culture. He/she may experience the first erotic relationship and may self-disclose to a very few carefully selected persons outside the gay community. Family contact, however, becomes a major stress and worry. A positive response from people can lead the gay or lesbian person to feelings of greater acceptance and comfort while a negative response can send the person back to stage 2, though hiding will require even more denial, stress and pain than before. In this stage the person may be more promiscuous as he/she begins to live out a gay identity socially and sexually. Eventually the person may begin to desire deeper and more lasting relationships and begins to develop skills for keeping gay relationships alive in a hostile environment.
Stage 4: PRIDE: In this stage, the individual begins to integrate sexuality into self. The public and private self begin to come together and the person does not feel like he/she leads two different lives. Capacity for love relationships deepens and sex becomes more a component of love. The individual feels more confident about being able to sustain a relationship, and caring and open.
Stage 5: POST-SEXUALITY: In this stage, the individual experiences a diminishment of the centrality of a gay or lesbian sexual orientation in self-concept and relationships. He/she begins to view begin gay or lesbian as one part of a multifaceted self.

Another model proposed by J. Sophie

First Awareness:

First realization that one is “different” and that sexual orientation may be an issue
No disclosure to other people
A feeling of alienation from self and other people

Testing and exploration

Testing may precede one’s acceptance of being gay
Initial, but limited, contact with other gay persons, but no relationships
Alienation from straight persons

Identity acceptance

Preference for social interactions with other gay persons
Negative identity gives way to a positive identity
Initial disclosures to straight people

Identity integration

Views self as gay with accompanying anger and pride in the identity
Disclosure to many other people; public coming out
Identity stability

How People May Respond When You Come Out:

Remember, when you come out the person you are telling may not always react as well as you expected. But then, it may have taken you years to accept yourself, so be patient and helpful. You cannot expect someone to immediately accept this new information about you. P-FLAG has identified a model of behavior that you may notice.

SHOCK: This may last a few minutes or a long time. The person may have had no idea that you were gay, or are shocked that you are now sharing this information about yourself.
DENIAL: Denial is a way to protect oneself from something scary or painful. This stage may last a short time or a long time. The person may exhibit anger, rejection, or disbelief. The person may believe that being gay is a choice, a sin, or a sickness.
GUILT: The person may blame him/herself and think that being gay is a “problem.”
FEELINGS EXPRESSED: At this stage, your friend or family member may start to show more feelings such as anger or hurt. They may say cruel things to you. But, they are also sending the message that they are staying in a relationship with you. If they had rejected you earlier yet have decided that they can’t easily end the relationship, they come back to you at this stage.
PERSONAL DECISION MAKING: Emotions slow down, the person may retreat, but rationality begins to return. The person begins to think about the information but may not be ready to talk, yet. He or she begins to consider options. Some will decide to end the relationship. some will decide to love but not want to know about this part of your life. Others may want to love and learn how to be actively supportive.
TRUE ACCEPTANCE: Persons who reach this stage come to continue their love and understand and value your uniqueness. Some will become actively involved in gay and lesbian issues and speak out against oppression.

Why People Come Out

The first reason many persons give for coming out is that of personal growth

It is important to mental and spiritual health especially since society has subjected GLB persons to a life of invisibility and silence.
It allows one to communicate honestly and with integrity about self.
It allows one to establish more authentic, honest relationships.
It is essential to the growth of intimacy.
It helps to build trust among people.
It makes one feel less alienated and isolated as well as less fearful and ashamed.

It lets other people know that there really is no mystery to persons who are gay, lesbian or bisexual.
It lets people know that one has the right to live a real life rather than one that maintains a fantasy of how the world is “supposed to be.” It is a statement about the acceptance of reality.
It allows the person to claim a place in the world.
It is political and helps to bring into reality the concepts of equality and freedom for all persons.
It helps one to accept that the problem and disease is homophobia. The GLB person is not flawed.
It helps one to state and to believe that he/she is OK.
It lets one live more fully rather than under the conditions society imposes.
It is healing and liberating as one puts “demons to rest.”
Breaks the isolation of living a secret life.
Lets the person stop living a lie.
Helps one gain support from other people.

Common Pitfalls Persons Experience as They Come Out:

In high school, many gay and lesbian students are still in the identity questioning stage. They are experiencing same-gender attractions and desires but are trying to avoid labeling themselves or letting others label them as being gay or lesbian.

Some of the other gay students are beginning to explore their sexuality and are having their first gay relationship while still trying to “pass” as straight. Some are starting to come out to certain select persons.

Young persons who are gay or lesbian often cope during their high school years in one or more of the following ways:

Some try to rationalize their feelings and acts by saying that they are in a phase, or were drunk, etc. GLB students, in fact, are more likely to abuse drugs and alcohol than are straight students. They may do so in order to be with someone of the same gender or to numb the feelings they experience.
Others may try to “fix” themselves by seeking a cure or miracle.
Some may try to literally “cut” out the feelings by harming themselves.
Others may withdraw from people or have frequent sex with the opposite gender to prove that they are not gay or lesbian. In a Massachusetts Risk Behavior Survey, almost 25% of students who identified as GLB admitted to getting someone pregnant or to being pregnant, versus 12% of heterosexual students.
Some students may distance themselves by avoiding information about gays and lesbians or by harassing or bashing someone they suspect to be gay or lesbian.
Some GLB high school students will immerse themselves in their schoolwork or hobbies to the point of perfectionism. They will strive to become the “Best Little Boy or Girl in the World.”
Many others will immerse themselves in the needs of other people and avoid their own. They become the available friend and counselor.
Yet other GLB students will act out and demonstrate their anger at being gay.
Many gay students will first claim to be bisexual as a way of feeling at least somewhat “normal.”
Others just coming out may adopt the stereotypes of gay persons, even to the point of caricature..