One of the most personal and intimate acts we take as glb persons is to come out to other people.  We know how much is at stake...rejection, violence, abuse, even murder are all possible. Yet, we also know that acceptance and love are possible. We also know that we cannot accept or love ourselves as long as we live a lie.

Many of us draw strength from others who have taken the step of coming out.

Following are excerpts from my own letter to my parents:

In some ways, this letter is the hardest thing I have ever written. In fact, I am taking a safe way out by writing rather than talking with you. But, we have never been a family that has easily dealt with feelings and “heavy” things. Even as I write my hands are sweating and my heart is beating like crazy .On the other hand, this letter is the most freeing thing I have ever written and is a letter which, I trust, will help to heal our relationships. As I write, there is a sense of excitement and happiness knowing that things now have the potential of being much better between us and within me…

…We are all getting older. I have, for most of my life, distanced myself from the family, yet family has always been so important to me. I have hidden so much of myself for fear of hurting you and of losing you, and for fear of how I would handle your reactions toward me. Of course, this just created distance between us. But over the last few months I realized that I didn’t want more of our lives to go by without me taking steps to feel more a part of the family that is so important to me and without letting you more into my life. It is, of course, scary to change “the old ways..,”

…What I have to tell you I suspect you already kind of know, and what I have to tell you I have tried to say at different times. But each time I got scared so I’m taking the safer way out by writing this letter. I apologize. It may not be the best way to do this, but for me it is better than no way. After you have had time to think and when you feel the need to talk, let me know. I know all of this sounds so terribly dramatic, but it really isn’t all that dramatic. Nothing is really different except for the fact that I am sharing more of myself in the hopes of healing our relationship and in the hopes of healing myself. Really, wonderful things can come of it.

I have also reached the point where I respect and love myself too much to continue living a charade. What I am telling you makes me no different from the person you’ve always known. Only now I am telling you something about me that has always been an integral part of who I am. In a word-I’m gay. I am still the same person you have always known. I’m still quiet and kind of shy, and I’m still a “nester” who likes my jeans and flannel shirts. I still don’t dance or go to bars. I still go to bed at 9:30, still love to camp and travel and hike. I still like a good science fiction novel and still work hard at my job. In fact, most of the stereotypes and many of the visible gay people you see in the media are in the extreme. The fact is that the majority of gay people are people you would never notice. Like me, they are just average, boring people who go to work, watch television, read a book, and even burp. In fact, you probably know several gay people but don’t know it since they may not have told you. The only thing different is that I realize the disservice I am doing to myself and other people by living a life of fear…

… Everyone and everything said that gay people were inferior, disgusting, unnatural, and evil. I would think to myself how could that be me? How could I let anyone near me? How could God make me like that? I would pray so hard to God to take away those feelings about men from me. I felt very betrayed, alone, isolated, angry and afraid. Gays, unfortunately, have been so oppressed and looked down upon that few positive role models are visible. We also feel we have no where to turn. Thankfully, this is starting to change as more and more people are coming out and as people are starting to realize that gays are, in all likelihood, born this way. There is, quite simply, no choice and no blame involved. There is even much evidence now that shows actual physical brain differences between gays and straights. And maybe the cause isn’t all that important. We simply are who we are. ..

…I now know I have nothing for which to be ashamed. This old sense of shame and anxiety is the result of society’s reaction to, what is estimated, one out of ten persons; it really has no basis with me. It is the result of society’s inability to accept that over 25 million people in the United States today are gay and that God, or nature, made us that way. Being gay is not a disease and evidence is mounting that being gay is no more a choice than is the color of our skin. Being gay is just one of many “variations on a theme,” as one writer said. Just as straight people do not choose to be straight and cannot change their orientation, neither can any gay person change...

…Being gay is, of course, about much more than sex and is not the “defining characteristic” of a person. It is actually more of an affective orientation. It is more about who I feel emotionally closer to and more drawn toward. It is about the things that I notice and the ways that I understand and see the world. Just as heterosexuality subtly colors many aspects of your life to the point that you aren’t even aware of it, so too does my orientation. Just like you didn’t wake up one day and decide to be a heterosexual, so too did I not make a decision. You, over time and with the help and support of society, simply came to know and accept your heterosexual nature. It is just one of the many parts of who you are, but an important part. Pay attention for one hour to see all the ways you express this natural part of yourself and how society accepts it and encourages it. I, and millions of others like me, however, over time but without the support or help of society, have come to know that we are gay. It is only a part of the “total package,” but an important part…

…The effect society had upon me is actually pretty typical. In fact, estimates are that a great number of teen suicide attempts are actually made by those who having to face something about themselves that society, church and so forth, condemns…

…By junior high school, though, the self-loathing had taken root. I began to withdraw as I became more aware of my differences, even though I still did not really know or understand those differences. I vividly remember the hurt I felt as my study hall teacher in seventh grade accused me of carrying my books “like a girl.” The worst , though, was when the gym teacher called me “fag.” I was so horrified and hurt I couldn’t tell anyone what he said. I did, however, get physically ill each day I had to go to his gym class. Then, of course, there were the cruel taunts of kids my own age. One kid used to stick me with a straight pin on the bus and call me queer. I was already learning that I had to protect myself by denying myself and by not letting anyone know anything about me. I knew I had to learn to play the charade fast and well since I was, and am, a very sensitive and easily hurt person.

By high school I reluctantly tried to date a couple girls, but those dates never felt right. I, however, did know I was powerfully in love with _____, though I tried hard to conceal that fact, even from myself, since I felt it was somehow “wrong. “ Eventually, because dating felt so fake and so empty, I stopped trying to date. yet, because of self-loathing brought about by secrecy and shame, I learned that I could more easily deal with the isolation and loneliness I felt than I could with acting upon my true nature. This allowed me to enter a long period of denial and repression…

…I apologize for not having the words to tell you face-to-face, but now that you have read this, the ice is broken. Let me know when you are ready to talk since I know you may need time first to let this all sink in. Maybe you already kind of knew, even. Also, don’t feel like you have to keep a secret; you don’t. I can also recommend a few books as you think: Is It A Choice? By E. Marcus; (answers 300 common questions) Now That You Know, by B. Fairchild and N. Hayward, (it is a little dated in its research but still has good info) My Son. Eric, by M. Borhek (1 have not read this but have been told it is good), On Being Gay, by B. McNaught. (a series of articles written by a very religious man) A good organization with information is P-Flag (227-9355) There are, actually, many good books now in the bookstores and library. I would recommend searching out more information as it helps you deal with this new information about me. I know this can be confusing and difficult for you; look how long it took me to accept it about myself. But, I want us to have a “quality” relationship.