Definitions:

Most people agree that sexual orientation influences personal identity.  To begin to understand the modern concept of sexual orientation, it is necessary to have a common vocabulary. Arthur Lipkin, an instructor at the Harvard Graduate School of Education, offers the following definitions in his book Understanding Homosexuality, Changing Schools (Westview Press, 1999)

Biological Sex: a person’s presented gender at birth. 

Gender Identity:  a person’s internally perceived gender of being male or female.  Most modern research suggests this is developed by age 3 and is probably a product of biology and learning.  When a person’s gender identity does not match his/her biological sex, the person is known as a transgendered person.

Social Sex Role:  the set of behavioral characteristics a particular cultural group thinks appropriate for each gender.  We probably learn our social sex role between the ages of 3 and 7. A person who adopts elements of the opposite gender while still retaining the gender identity of his/her biological sex is known as a transvestite.

Sexual Orientation: Determined by which gender to which we are attracted. It is probably influenced by genetics, hormones, brain differences, and environmental factors and is almost certainly set by birth or within the first 3 years of life. Males who are attracted to males are gay.  Females attracted to females are lesbian.  Persons attracted to both genders are bisexual.  Persons attracted to the opposite gender are often called straight.  For the sake of word usage, however, many persons use the word gay when describing anyone attracted to the same gender. Most modern research suggests that sexual orientation almost certainly cannot be changed. A person might, however, learn to behave in ways inconsistent with his/her orientation though most psychologists find this very unhealthy.

CLOSETED: Not disclosing one's sexual orientation. A person could be in the closet with him/herself or could be in the closet with other people all the time or only in certain situations.

COMING OUT: The lifelong process in which a person acknowledges, accepts, and appreciates his/her sexual orientation as being gay or bisexual. This may eventually involve sharing of this information with other persons.

HOMOPHOBIA: The fear and hatred of those who love and desire persons of the same gender. It can include prejudice, discrimination, harassment, isolation, and acts of violence.

HETEROSEXISM: The system of advantages bestowed upon heterosexual persons. It assumes that all persons are, or should be, heterosexual and, therefore, excludes the needs, concerns and life experiences of persons who are gay.

FAMILY of CHOICE: Since their biological family rejects many gay persons, many will create a support network that serves the role of family.

ALLY: A heterosexual person who supports and honors diversity of sexual orientation, and who acts to interrupt and challenge homophobia and heterosexism.

 There exist many theories that attempt to explain sexuality, how it is developed, and how it plays a role in our personal identity.  Though this information might be interesting, for our purposes, when we consider persons who are gay or lesbian, we may only need to know that “because all of these people have erotic interactions primarily with their own gender, which is statistically less frequent in most human cultures, they have something interesting and important in common.  It may not be a fundamental basis of identity in all cases, but it must play some role, as any noticeable and important divergence from the norm will.” -John Boswell

“All targets of discrimination, be they blacks, women, handicapped, or religious sects, have a uniquely horrible dimension to their suffering. This is true for gay men and lesbians as well. Psychologically, sexuality and sexual orientation represent life forces which form the most sensitive bedrock of our being. They not only shape our attitudes and our passions, but they are so fundamental to our personality structure that they, in large part, determine our sense of personal cohesiveness and our level of comfort in the world. They are the driving force with which we love, work, and create.”

From a statement published January 26, 1990, by Bryant Welch, J.D., Ph.D., Executive Director for Professional Practice, American Psychological Association.

Columbus hosted the national conference of P-FLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays).  Family Pride Coalition presented a workshop about children with gay or lesbian parents. Following are key points:

• Silence about families with GLB parents is often more damaging than is outright hostility and stereotyping.
• Schools have a language that focuses on families headed by one mother and one father even though this type of family is becoming a minority. 
• Question:  How do you present an image of the diversity of family structures in your use of materials, examples, letters, and language?  What conclusions will students draw about families based upon what you say, do and present?
• Children are usually more academically successful when parents are involved. Would GLB parents feel welcome in your class?
• The problem is not that some children have GLB parents.  The problem is in the environment that suggests such families are somehow deficient or wrong.

Coming Out:

One question you might have is how a person comes to a gay or lesbian identity. Coming out is not a single event in a gay person’s life. It is, rather, a lifelong process of self-acceptance and appreciation.  The most notable developmental models are those by Eli Coleman, V. C. Cass, and Richard Troiden. Arthur Lipkin of Harvard University synthesized these three models into one Mega-Model.  As a note of caution, this is only a model. Persons go through the stages at different ages. They may even regress or not reach the end.

Stage 1: Pre-Sexuality. The preadolescent experiences non sexual feelings of being different and “on the margin” of society.

Stage 2: Identity Questioning.  The individual experiences ambiguous, repressed, sexualized same-gender feelings. Being aware of the stigma of being gay or lesbian, the individual will not admit to him/herself that he/she might be, or is, gay. The individual may experience tremendous stress, alienation, depression and suicidal feelings.   This is a time when the person may take on extreme self-hatred, shame and guilt. He/she tries to avoid behaviors and information that might confirm a gay identity. The individual will, at times, ask “could I be gay?”

Stage 3: Coming Out.  In this stage, the individual tolerates, then accepts, a gay identity through contact with other gay persons and gay culture. He/she may experience the first erotic relationship and may self-disclose to a very few carefully selected persons outside the gay community. Family contact, however, becomes a major stress and worry. A positive response from people can lead the gay or lesbian  person to feelings of greater acceptance and comfort while a negative response can send the person back to stage 2, though hiding will require even more denial, and cause more stress and pain than before.  In this stage the person may be more promiscuous as he/she begins to live out a gay identity socially and sexually. Eventually the person may begin to desire deeper and more lasting relationships and begin to develop skills for keeping gay relationships alive in a hostile environment. 

Stage 4: Pride. In this stage, the individual begins to integrate sexuality with self. The public and private self begin to come together and the person does not feel like he/she leads two different lives.  Capacity for love relationships deepens and sex becomes more a component  of love.  The individual feels more confident about being able to sustain a relationship. Caring and openness increase as mistrust and possessiveness lessen.  He/she begins to self-disclose more generally and better handles negative reactions and the stigma of being gay or lesbian.  

Stage 5: Post-Sexuality.  In this stage, the individual experiences a diminishment of the centrality of a gay or lesbian sexual orientation in self-concept and relationships.  He/she begins to view begin gay or lesbian as one part of a multifaceted self.

How People Might Respond When Someone Comes Out

SHOCK: The person may have had no idea that the person is gay, or is shocked that he/she is sharing this information.

DENIAL: Denial is a way to protect oneself from something scary or painful. The person may exhibit anger, rejection, or disbelief. The person may believe that being gay is a choice, a sin, or a sickness.

GUILT: The person may blame him/herself and think that being gay is a “problem.”

FEELINGS EXPRESSED: At this stage, the friend or family member may start to show more feelings such as anger or hurt. He/she may say cruel things without rejecting the individual. If he/she had rejected the gay person earlier he/she may come back at this stage.

PERSONAL DECISION MAKING: Emotions slow down, the person may retreat, but rationality begins to return. The person begins to think about the information but may not yet be ready to talk. He or she begins to consider options. Some will decide to end the relationship. Some will decide to love the gay person but not want to know about this part of his/her life. Others may want learn how to be actively supportive.

TRUE ACCEPTANCE: Persons who reach this stage come to continue their love and understand and value the gay person’s uniqueness. Some will become actively involved in gay and lesbian issues and speak out against oppression.