Pitfalls in Coming Out:

In the last newsletter we took a look at a model showing how many gay and lesbian students come to accept themselves. Here we’ll take a look at some common pitfalls GLB high school students face.

In high school, many gay and lesbian students are still in the identity questioning stage. They are experiencing same-gender attractions and desires but are trying to avoid labeling themselves or letting others label them as being gay or lesbian. 

Other gay students are beginning to explore their sexuality and are having their first gay relationship while still trying to “pass” as straight.  Some are coming out to certain select persons. 

Young persons who are gay or lesbian often cope during their high school years in one or more of the following ways: (Arthur Lipkin

• Some try to rationalize their feelings and acts by saying that they are in a phase, or were drunk, etc.  GLB students, in fact, are more likely to abuse drugs and alcohol than are straight students in order to numb the feelings of attraction they experience.
• Others may try to “fix” themselves by seeking a cure or miracle.
• Some may try to literally “cut” out the feelings by harming themselves.
• Others may withdraw from people or have frequent sex with the opposite gender to prove that they are not gay or lesbian. In a Massachusetts Risk Behavior Survey, almost 25% of students who identified as GLB admitted to getting someone pregnant or to being pregnant, versus 12% of heterosexual students.
• Some students may distance themselves by avoiding information about gays and lesbians or by harassing or bashing someone they suspect to be gay or lesbian.
• Some GLB high school students will immerse themselves in their schoolwork or hobbies to the point of perfectionism.  They will strive to become the “Best Little Boy or Girl in the World.”
• Many others will immerse themselves in the needs of other people and avoid their own.  They become the available friend and counselor.
• Yet other GLB students will act out and demonstrate their anger at being gay.
• Many gay students will first claim to be bisexual as a way of feeling at least somewhat “normal.”
• Others may adopt the stereotypes of gay persons, even to the point of caricature.

• Know the person is placing much faith and trust in you.
• The person is probably seeking your understanding and even your help.
• How you react will have an impact on the person.
• Don’t panic. You don’t need to have all the answers.  All you really need to do is listen and show concern and compassion.
• Be nonjudgmental and let the person know you are aware of the trust he/she is placing in you and of the courage he/she needed to talk openly.
• If the person is suicidal, get help.
• Try to help the person get information if he/she seems to want that help.
• Know the person may be embarrassed later, so seek him/her out for follow-up conversations.
• Don’t pass off the admission as a phase or as something unimportant.
• Don’t tell the person he/she must have sex in order to be sure.

Dr. Frederic Tate, Eastern State Hospital, Virginia)

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Remember:

· No one is raised to be gay or lesbian. He/she was, instead, raised to be what he/she is not—a straight person.

A gay or lesbian person must yield one identity for another. The transition is usually sad, difficult, scary, and lonely.