On this page you will find:

1. When someone close to you comes out
2. Miscellaneous information
3. A list of books for parents
4. Being an Ally

What should you do when someone close to you comes out?

  • Do not rush the process of understanding and accepting the person who comes out to you.  It takes time.  Few people easily hear that someone close to them is gay or lesbian. Instead, seek information, ask questions, read, attend support groups such as P-FLAG, and talk with the person who came out to you.
  • Don’t criticize the person for being different.  Listen and learn. Find out about his/her life experiences. Understand issues that are important to him or her.
  • Don’t blame yourself.  People do not choose their sexual orientation.  No one did anything wrong.
  • Strive to develop trust and openness with you rather than conformity.
  • Don’t discriminate against or oppress the person.
  • Don’t demand that he/she try to change.
  • Don’t tell the person it is a phase.
  • Know that the person telling you feels vulnerable and frightened.
  • Know that the person has probably spent countless hours preparing to share this information with you.
  • Know that the gay, lesbian or bisexual person knows that you have been raised in a society, like he or she has been, that despises gay persons.  He or she fears how you may respond.
  • Know that the person has not changed.  He or she is simply telling you more about who he/she is. Reassure the person of your love.
  • Some questions that may help to break the ice:
    • How long have you known you are gay?
    • Is there someone special in your life?
    • Have I ever unknowingly offended you?
    • Is there some way I can be of support?
    • Has it been hard for you to carry this secret?
  • If you have a negative reaction, that is understandable. You have been raised to despise gay persons. At least tell the person coming out to you that you still love and care for him/her but that you are having trouble and will need time to better understand.  Leave the door of communication open! Gay people are accustomed to rejection, but if you are someone very important, that rejection may hurt tremendously.
  • Don’t think you are alone. There are millions of gay persons in the United States alone.
  • Keep the lines of communication open.

Miscellaneous:

  • Some of you may wonder if someone you know is gay or lesbian.  If you decide to ask that person, make it clear that you do so out of a desire to deepen your relationship.  If the person trusts you and also feels able to be honest with you, he or she will be more likely to answer your question. Your question can break the ice and lead to a stronger and more honest relationship with that person.
  • Because gays and lesbians are a minority living in a society that ignores them, or even wants to harm them, “coming out of the closet” take tremendous faith and courage on the part of a gay person. Most gay persons describe the act of coming out as the hardest thing they have ever done, no matter how often they tell the truth about themselves.  Most also describe it as the most liberating experience, one that leads to a better and fuller life.  Being gay or lesbian is not easy in our society.
  • If someone you know is, or may be, gay or lesbian, you can offer support by being yourself, by not “changing,” and by learning more about topics important to gays and lesbians. Gays and lesbians are different from straight people in that they are shaped by the oppression of society as is any minority group.
  • Most gay persons will be happy to answer your questions as long as they believe that you are asking them out of a sincere desire to know more about what it is like to be a gay person living today.
  • Contact P-FLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays). 

When a child tells his/her parents that he/she is gay or lesbian, the parents find their world turned upside down. After all, no parent raises their child to be gay.  Parents, too, are usually not knowledgeable about what it means to be gay.  The book, My Child is Gay, by Bryce McDougall, is one that straight parents should read. It is a compilation of letters written by parents who have a gay or lesbian child.  These letters will help parents, too, to know that they are not alone. They will also help to keep open the doors of communication.

At the end of several letters, parents recommend books they found helpful. You will find more books listed on the Resources Page of this web site as well as under the GLB Forum/Workshop page.

Amazon.Com Books.

  • My Son, Eric
  • Beyond Acceptance
  • Coming Out:  An Act of Love
  • But Lord, They’re Gay
  • Good News for Modern Gays
  • Is the Homosexual My Neighbor?
  • Living in Sin? A Bishop Rethinks Sexuality
  • The Church and the Homosexual
  • Yours with Pride:  Letters to My Gay Son
  • Now That You Know
  • Parents Matter
  • Different Daughters
  • Coming Out to Parents
  • Straight Parents, Gay Children
  • Is It a Choice?
  • The Family Heart
  • Loving Someone Gay
  • A Separate Creation

Being An Ally
(based on a brochure from Stonewall Columbus)

  • Be aware of how you are different from and similar to GLB persons.   Be sensitive and curious about how your life experiences differ.
  • Gain knowledge and education by reading, talking with GLB persons, asking questions, taking workshops and so forth.
  • Actively support GLB persons and others working to bring about change in the society.  Become an advocate for equality and acceptance.
  • Support GLB persons. The support of family and peers are crucial to feelings of acceptance and belonging.
  • Don’t use hateful words, laugh at gay jokes or spread (or react) to gossip.
  • Use inclusive language (such as partner, significant other, etc.) that recognizes that not all persons are straight.
  • Encourage others to be tolerant and open-minded. Talk openly about gay persons and issues in a positive way.
  • Recognize diversity with the GLB [population)
  • Realize that if someone comes out to you it is “a big deal.” Being out can be risky and scary.
  • Create an environment that encourages diversity, equality, safety and acceptance.
  • Create an environment that encourages GLB persons to be open.
  • Understand that GLB persons have received the same messages about homosexuality as everyone else.  GLB persons have to work hard to undo the damage and self-hatred that result from hearing and internalizing those messages.